Of course it has been forever since I last posted on here and I am somewhat sorry for this being a deep one, but it’s important to me to share this.
I’ve spent a lot of my life, having been hurt in many weird and wonderful ways, having a somewhat resentful and bitter outlook on things over the years. It’s been easy for me to justify myself feeling this way by blaming other people. But I woke up with a thought in my head recently.
Regardless of anything and everything in your life, you have a choice of how to act and react and those actions are entirely on you.
You hurt someone or love someone? That’s on you.
You choose to be honest or dishonest? That’s on you.
You choose to work hard or be lazy? That’s on you.
You react to people or ignore them based on what they do and say? That’s on you.
You choose to press on or give up? That’s on you.
If someone hurts you, loves you, wrongs you or does something nice for you, that’s on THEM.
And so on.
With this in mind I’ve been thinking about this cynicism and bitterness I have held for a long time. A thought then occurred to me. Where am I now?
I live alone now. I have done what I can to stay connected to the people I care about through streaming mostly. I find myself lazy and unmotivated often and take what others say to me to heart. I am predominantly where I am now because of other people. Or am I?
Despite everything, I chose everything that leads me up to this point. People have hurt me and loved me over the years but ultimately, I have chosen how to respond to these things. I have chosen who I care about and who I don’t, for better or worse and it’s all on me. If I am hardworking or lazy, that’s my choice. If I made mistakes over the years, regrettable or not, that’s been my choice. And all the good things and bad things that people have done to me, that’s on them and not me.
The past shapes who you are and where you stand but it’s still your choice to decide how to move forward, and one more thing is definitely on you…
If you forgive, forget or hold a grudge. That’s on you.
I’ve hurt people. I know I have and some of those people may never forgive me for those things. But it’s on me that I did those things and it’s on them to decide if they forgive me and if they don’t, then it’s on me to deal with that and I have to be accountable for how I respond now.
So to everyone who has ever hurt me, whether you meant to or not, I forgive it, no matter how egregious. It’s on you. You chose to do what you did. At the end of the day I am where I am now. I have problems, but it’s on me to decide whether to fix them or not. Everything that happens to me in life, how I respond to it going forward is on me. I need to hold myself accountable for all of my actions and reactions.
So I choose to let go of the hurt. I choose to forgive every time I have been hurt, because regardless of any of it, I am where I am now and I choose to be okay. Any problems I have right now, I shall choose to resolve them or not and that is on me and I have to be accountable to myself for that.
If you regret, that’s on you. How will you choose to deal with it? And if you choose to just live with it and do nothing, how will you know what will happen? That’s on you. But if that’s okay with you, if you hold yourself accountable and can honestly say “It’s okay”, then that is on you too.
Sometimes you need help to keep yourself accountable and that’s okay too. I have been quite open about my feelings and how I am on stream. I’ve talked about things that have happened to me and how I am dealing with them and I always say I’m not looking for sympathy, but that I simply want to encourage acceptance of talking about things. As a side effect of that though, having other people know how I am helps me stay accountable to myself too. I choose to let others let me help them in the same way too and sometimes I have found my openness has helped someone else deal with their own thoughts. The truth is, I really do believe acceptance and accountability might really be the path to happiness.
You have the choice to hold yourself accountable to yourself. Your happiness, your personality and everything you do doesn’t have to be dictated by the way others see you. And even if you are tired and feel you can’t achieve what you really wish you could, hold yourself accountable. Not to beat yourself up, but to know and accept yourself for your limitations.
You will always slip, but it’s important to always hold yourself accountable to yourself. Accept yourself and be at peace.